PostPosted: Sat Mar 17, 2007 9:06 pm    Post subject:

After thinking about it all. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m over reacting just a bit eh. I better get over it since I should be used to this by now anyway. End Of Times, whatever….

This is not the first time Ma Earth cleansed herself of all that causes her discomfort. So it’s none of this chaos on all levels of existance stuff for me eh. So what if the Pinapple Express will soon shut down when a rush of cold fresh water runs off the melting polar caps into the oceans. Just cause this event alone will alter the weather patterns for thousands of years and bring civilization to it’s knees with another Ice Age.

And ah, don’t worry about them Polar Bears. They will soon ajust to eating frozen meat since we will be like snack treats in the tundra. Mom and Popcicles so to speak.

On a positive note. Scientists discovered the advent of an Ice Age comes much swifter than once believed. Once it was thought Ice Ages came into being over thousands of years. Well, the fact Wooly Mamoths still had food in their mouths when a big chill froze them in their tracks showed it happened almost at once. Imagine, the starving Russians in Siberia were eating Mamoth meat back in the dayz of the Gulag Archapeligo and it was quick frozen to retain freshness. Yummy.

Just imagine, 20,000 years from now. Little Rudy Zimmerman will be playing in the back yard when he discovers a mummified frozen human body in the snow. And it will be clutching a Wendy’s Cheeseburger. Most likely Wal-Mart Bags will be found around the body as well as an old New York Times. Give or take a few empty cans of Sprite.

The Headlines will read, “Bush Finally Convicted Of Crimes Against Humanity”

But in small print it will read, “But It’s To Late To Save Civilization”

Ain’t nothing but a meatball Paisan…

Ba Da Bing, Ba Da Bang, Ba Da Boom…


Your “Everything Is Rosey” Devil’s Advocate
Creativity is the byproduct of a fertile mind


Posted: Fri Mar 02, 2007 12:17 pm    Post subject:

Well, I’m pissed off, again. No big deal but let me tell you a story. Been banking at this particular bank for years, ever since I went legit so the dough-ray-me was clean. I went to the teller to deposit a check I’ve received. I signed it and gave her the deposit slip. She read the deposit and check then looked me up and down with a scowl I remember from my youth. Then she began to drill me about my identification. I was completely taken back as I found myself struggling to identify myself to this gal.

Fumbling around with my wallet and thinking of other sources of ID I could muster, I caught myself. Then I thought, “What the hell am I doing?” I stopped in my tracks and told this Hitler Hag of a teller, “Give me my check back” You would have thought I had a gun pointed to her head. Her eyes got big and she took off to get a bank officer. What the hell did I do now??

I left the line and went and sat down near the hall. Then I head some yapping as two people approached the main lobby. It was that pinhead teller and the bank president. This gal was yapping a million miles a second. She KNEW there was something fishy about the check I presenting, she KNEW I was one of them dirty so and so’s, she KNEW I was some dangerous thug and she KNEW because I fit a profile. The bank prez just listened as she ran her mouth. I was public enemy number one again. How special.

When I heard enough, I stood up from the lounge area of the bank to meet them head on. Then with a wry smile I greeted them. The teller knew I heard everything she was saying so did the prez. I said, “Hey Ralph” The bank prez said, “Hey Carlos” sheepishly I might add. Though the teller was already white, she turned a few shades whiter. The bank prez introduced her to me as we stood awkwardly in the hallway. The look on her face was to die for. Then I told the prez I wanted to close my account and I wanted it all in cash.

Now the bank prez was as white as a ghost. If looks could kill, I know his glare to the teller was most venomous indeed. His hands were beginning to shake as he held my check. What a precious moment of silence it was. The teller had that “farted in elevator” look. I was struggling to maintain my stoic serious demeanor. I looked directly at the prez and said, “Cash” I turned away snatching up my check then I left the bank.

Hmmmm, that was about a half hour ago. The phone is ringing off the hook. I just love Mr. Answer Machine. I have several “Misunderstanding” messages from the prez and I just received one from the teller who made this all possible. I bet her tongue was bleeding from biting it. She was far from sincere. The need for employment was more her impetus I do believe.

I know, this is very petty of me to drag this issue out like I’ve done. But I know my ethnicity was the primary issue for this gal. And I’ll bet she’s been doling out her special kind of hatred to others as well. So the buck stops here eh.

Most likely I’ll check my sugar and find it at about 70, eat a Snickers bar and go for a ride in the mountains. It’s way bitchen outside today. It’s in the late 40’s now and might get into the 60’s. But up in the high country it’s still in the teens or better. So I better take a coat just in case. People die in the Rockies if they don’t come prepared. It’s like Alaska in a way, when you hit the woods or wilderness areas here, it’s truly wilderness. In Alaska, Canada and Colorado, the bears will eat you if you screw around. In Colorado, we also have big kitties that enjoy munching on high cholesterol and tryglyceride filled walking sandwiches called man. Speaking of which, I better take some elk jerky. I make it in several tastes to, traditional, peppered, chillied and a secret one that’s to good to share eh.

Yeah that’s the ticket, I’ll cruise the woods and do some tracking or just enjoy the views. LOL, the phone is ringing again. Yup, it’s the bank.

I should thank them for inspiring me to venture forth tasting the bounty nature has to offer. To cast aside my worldly torment and focus on true reality. Cleansing my soul of petty human rancor while reinvigorating my all with a new zest for life. Pondering ever so deeply, the plight of mankind, the universe and the totality of my existence.

But alas, color had become a focal point to my chagrin. So the class struggle prevails regardless which guise it may assume within society. According to watchdog groups, right wing extremist groups such as the KKK and the Nazi Party are bursting at the seams with enrollments not seen since the early 20th century when the rolls were in the millions in the US alone. Remember Hitler’s rise to power, 1933 and the anti movements as well as racial hate organizations supported by the government. Jews were the destruction of the economy back then. The whole world turned a deaf ear to human suffering.

I did notice a color that does transcend cultural bounds though. Sure looks like the color green manages to get everyone’s attention. Like I always say, “It’s all about the money” So this is what I’m going to do. I’m going to finish up here on the puter, call the bank and demand my money half in 20’s and half in Bengie’s. That ought to get them going for a while. Then while all this chaos is going on, I’ll be enjoying the green of the forest, drinking a Kona with an extra shot of caffeine. Maybe I’ll murder a fuzzy little creator and eat it.

I can almost smell the scent of pine as it blends with the aromatic fragrace of my Hawiian due. Ah yes, and Hoppity Hooper roasting on the spit. Better take the garlic salt.

Your Devil’s Advocate
Creativity is the byproduct of a fertile mind


PostPosted: Wed Apr 18, 2007 10:38 am    Post subject:

BOOZE 101;

The student will be introduced to the world of drunkenness and ultimately death in this 24/7 course. Student should also be enrolled in METH 101 and OXYCONTIN 101 to achieve the full impact of this course. Student must also be on a Liver Transplant list before the course opens, have a suitable bail bondsman and mortician on call.

With plenty of class participation, the student will learn of the conduct that is associated with alcoholism and how to be the perfect drunk.

1. Learn to lie to friends and family as you seek out liquor and funds to support your habit. (Depending on your age, you might be able to find a consenting adult) Don’t forget to drop out of school. After all, you know everything in spite of the fact you don’t have any brain cells.

2. Learn the art of vomiting, wow your friends with ejecta pukes, and decorate the inside of your home or car. Make a public spectacle of yourself and heave your lunch at a banquet or other public gathering. Show people that you are a drunk and proud of it.

3. Learn to steal to support your habit. Betray friends and loved ones while you seek out your destruction. Drive drunk and kill innocent people and wreck friends and families cars in the process. Maybe kill your best friend or family member.

4. Learn abusive behavior and take up boxing so you and your future spouse can duke it out over nothing or money issues since you spend all your cash on booze. Alcoholism is family oriented as well so abuse you kids too. Teach them to be just like you. Be the perfect example of inebriation. Show them how to hit mommy or daddy. Pass it down to the next generation.

5. Learn the art of philandering and cheat on your spouse. Possibly you’ll contract an incurable disease and you can pollute your spouse with syphilis, herpes, gonorrhea, and a host of STD’s while having an incurably fun time. Nothing like an puss filled open sore to start conversation with. Remember, “A Zoster A Day Keeps The Doctor Away” and most people. ew ew ew……….

6. Learn the art of “Early Parenting” and enjoy the joys of a foreshortened youth, the lack of education and parenting skills. Explore the gold in Social Services; live on welfare and other indigent programs. Have nothing in your life other than shut off notices and endless phone calls from debtors, if you still have a phone. Have worthless friends who help spend your welfare check on beer and Doritos, maybe score a little “smack” and do the “wild thang”. Have your kids taken from you and placed in foster care.

7. Learn the art of persuasion as other drunks influence you and your life while you’re in a drunken stupor. Let them convince you to join a gang, become a henchman for a crime family, be a prostitute, become a drug dealer, live in underpasses, commit stupid crimes and random acts of violence. Possibly you can get an all expense paid trip to prison. Maybe you can be a love interest while incarcerated. Ah yes, “Springtime in San Quentin”, romance is in the air. And most important of all, learn how to select a shopping cart since this will be your mode of transportation for the rest of your life.

8. Then become a member of the “End Stage Club”. Experience dying first hand with cirrhosis as your liver shuts down and your body starves to death because there are no enzymes being produced that will digest food. What a kewl diet, all you do is waste away. You get this kewl yellow color and your eyes look psychodelic. Your breath smells like rotten eggs and your hair falls out, no need for a barber! Oh boy! Enjoy ascites and watch as your abdomen fills with fluid to the point you can’t breath and your heart fails. Possibly have the fliud drained and watch as beer colored juice spills out of your abdomen. Beer in, Beer out, just don’t drink it since it will smell rank. After all this is “The Dance Of Death” and you are going to die.

9. While dying of cirrhosis, you can watch as your friends and family struggle with your mortality. They will cry, they will rant, and they will question why you have to die. So what, you are the boss and you call the shots eh. It was your plan to die an early and horrific death all along, or did you know that part? So what if you won’t look good in a casket. You’ll be dead anyway. And to hell with all those morons who loved and cared for you. Have a Bud on me you schmucks!

There is a dark side to all this kids. If you do die, what will happen to all you’ve accomplished in life?

What will happen to your abused wife/husband and kids when you’re gone?

Will they get the mindless beatings and abuse they so deserved all these years?

Where will all the debtors send the shut off notices to?

Who will live in “Detox” part of the year when you are gone?

Who will take over the exhausted position of “Village Idiot” whence you’ve passed on.

And what about the poor liquor store salesman?

Hopefully, you are stewed to the gills by now and all these concerns mean nothing to you. Why? Because you’re a stinking drunk hell-bent on suicide and other forms of self-destruction. And as we all know, “If you don’t care for yourself, you surely don’t care for anyone else”.

Upon completion of this course, all students will have Hepatic Disorders beyond imagination and will most likely die within a few months of graduation.

So it’s “Last Call For Alcohol”

Drink’em while you got’em

Fore death is just around the corner.


Your Devil’s Advocate
Creativity is the byproduct of a fertile mind