Andy Rooney, photographed by Stephenson Brown.

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Posted: Thu Aug 16, 2007 6:23 pm    Post subject:
A DAY WITH ANDY ROONEYAh yes, Hollywierd and all the trimmings eh.

Running into Andy Rooney at this exclusive French joint, made my California experience complete I must say. Granted, when I finally came face to face with my hero, the Legendary Andy “60 Minutes” Rooney, I was at a loss for words. What could I say to a journalist super hero like Andy?

“Hey Andy, it’s nice meeting another miserable human being like yourself in this valet parking plaza” or “Good to see someone else is not so impressed with the size of the servings here eh”

After standing there in one of those awkward moments, speechless, I could not help but realize how short he was. He was almost as wide as he was tall and had this ever so angry scowl. Don’t have a clue what he was mad at. I bet it had something to do with the contents of his briefcase though. Maybe he had secret photos of Osama in Newark New Jersey or discovered he was going to be replaced with Rosy O’Donald when he kicks the bucket. What a thought, that revelation would surely send anyone to an early grave. But in Andy’s case, there is no early.

In all actuality I bet it was just a few tuna sandwiches to complement his fore shortened lunch at this exquisite hotel/restaurant. Think I saw one of the Baldwin brothers though. Was hard to tell with all the yelling. The place was like walking into a photo shoot for People Magazine or the Enquirer. And like with them silly magazines, I still did not know who all these people were. But they were happy being famous, I just did not know why.

But what’s the deal with the small portions though? Granted, I did have the salmon and it was absolutely delicious. But I had to eat the ornamental plant life on the table to get a mouth full. When I want salmon, I want SALMON Alaska style, not this sliver of fish. No wonder Andy was so miffed at the world. And come to think of it, so was his briefcase. I have to admit, this was the first time I ever saw an angry briefcase.

Well, I guess I would be mad to if I had to be dragged around by some squaty angry old man. And I surly would not be pleased with having to carry around a few stale tuna fish sandwiches all damn day.

As for my meeting in the Land of Fruits and Nutz. It’s still a secret and if I told you, I’d have to kill you. After all, I’ve been through a bazillion meetings like this one over the past 35 years. Some pan out, others simply fizzle into nothing at all. Ask my bud Dan Leonetti, we’ve seen and heard it all over the years. Promises and false hope in many cases. Lip service is cheap in Hollywood, contracts are something to pay attention to.

At present, I’m using the puter at the Tulalip Tribal College. Gads, I tried to use Kinko’s in Mission Hills California. But after only a few minutes of checking just my mail, I was surrounded by gum popping tennie boppers waiting impatiently for this old buzzard to get off the puter. Then there was the Flying “J” Truckstop in Bakersfield. I did not feel like disinfecting the keyboard before I used it. Gads, I could not even read the keys with all the grease and other weird substances, ew ew ew.

Creativity is the byproduct of a fertile mind

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