Buffalohair, Cookbook for the End of Times

Cookbook for the ‘End of Times’

Let’s pretend you survived the End of the World. For some reason you was spared a trip to the hereafter in the latest disaster. You did your homework and built some kind of shelter with all the cool scrap materials lying around, of course the outhouse would be the first structure built. After all, a guy/gal needs a place to think and what better place than the crapper to plot a course for your future existence. Granted the conveniences we once took for granted would be gone with little hope of returning in the immediate future. You have a makeshift pad or abode, water sources and a fine outhouse so what could possibly be missing, other than the Internet? Food….

So much for the 7-11 down the road since it got wasted in the last meteor shower along with its endless supply of textured soy protein burritos; in fact the road no longer exists for that matter. All that remains is a 2 kilometer deep crevasse that belches out hydrogen sulfide gas from time to time. As reality sinks in, the urgency for more sustenance grows greater by the day. Your handy dandy supply of Snickers and Tanka Bars are just about out and the Ice Age is knocking at your front door. Obviously it’s time to expand your culinary horizons and explore new grocery options if all the wild game is kaput. No better time than the present to seek out those once taboo food groups, if you plan to survive till spring. These groups include the bug group and the man group since both are really quite nutritious and if prepared properly can be a delicious alternative to nothing at all.

There are many delicious bugs to choose from provided they were not killed off, though coach roaches seem to have survived many cataclysms in the past. Hopefully you’ll have more to choose from after Armageddon. I prefer grubs and worms though I’ve eaten plenty of other creepy crawlies in my lifetime but coach roaches were not one of them. The big thing about bugs is the fact you don’t want to eat anything that will kill you so you better read up on what is safe to munch on before frying up a centipede or black widow spider, gads! Tarantulas taste like crab after you burn the hair off, mmmm. A little dash of garlic salt also helps to choke down bugs with a horrible after taste so make sure to stock up on the condiments of your choosing in your survival pack. Should you serve white or red wine with insects? Possibly a quality Canadian pilsner beer would be appropriate if the insects were prepared salted and crispy. Chances are you would have to chase down your meal with some murky purified water in all reality but you never know. I’ll leave that option up to you.

So you are tired of eating bugs but for the sake of argument there is nothing else left on your side of the planet to eat, well almost nothing. After all, many people did not make the cut and are simply rotting away where they once stood when disaster struck. Many cultures have ceremonies where fetid or rotting meat is consumed as a right of passage. For those folks rotting flesh would not be the tastiest but it would provide a good nutritious source of protein. And since their bodies have grown accustom to spoiled meat this would not make them sick for the most part. But for those who never enjoined in such rituals in the past there would be some physiological changes that would ensue when we dined on spoiled leg of Larry. Fortunately, after the transition period from fresh to spoiled meat has passed you would be good to go and you could eat to your hearts content.

If a violent cold snap followed your personal end of the world then you might not need to worry about spoilage in your new found food group. They would be frozen solid and ready for dressing out when defrosted, at your convenience of course. For some folks it would take near starvation before they stuck a fork into another human being and that is understandable. I don’t relish the thought of eating one of my dead neighbors but if I was hungry enough I would be the first to chow down on a defrosted filet of Frank. 10,000 year old Wooly Mammoths who were frozen solid in Siberia retained their freshness and are still consumed today. But like any other meat it is always wise to check the liver for spots since you don’t want to eat meat that is diseased. Its bad enough you resorted to cannibalism in the first place so it would be ironic if you died from eating infected meat after all the soul searching in the first place. How far beyond stupid is that?

Long Pork is the palatable name of human meat and according to many cannibals and survivors; man has a distinct pork flavor, sounds like BBQ to me. So it is easy to see the relationship between pork and man taste wise. With this in mind would long pork be Kosher or Halal? That would be up to the Rabbi or Cleric to decide provided one is handy to consult. When survival depends on sustenance then it would be up to you to determine if your culinary escapade is acceptable within your dogmatic principles. Only you will be able to make that critical decision since it would be your life that would hang in the balance of your choice. Starvation would be your other alternative. I knew starvation though not to this degree but my mother did when she was in the orphanage back in the 30’s since native kids were the last to be fed, if at all. Many native kids starved to death in orphanages and boarding schools back then but that’s another story. She told me she simply lost the desire to eat and a deadly calm befell her as the pangs of hunger dissipated. When the sisters finally tried to feed her it was a struggle since her frail young body rejected food and drink. Eventually she managed to hold down the food or I would not be here to tell her tale. And no, my mom did not try to eat anybody.

After you overcame the stigma of eating people then the new world would be a veritable cornucopia filled with new sources of food. If you’re in an area where people were frozen not long after their demise you would not have to deal with rancid meat. Jerky and smoked meats would be the way to go whence you decided to harvest the critical substance you need to survive even the coldest of winters. But for those who lived in tropical regions when cataclysm struck sauces and condiments would be in order to mask the fetid taste. Sushi is a throwback to a time of absolute starvation back in ancient Asia. Fish was preserved in rice back then and was usually cast off as refuse when the fish was consumed. But when food became scarce fisherman and villagers alike would eat the rancid rice to sustain life. The vinegar in the rice of today’s sushi is reminiscent of the rancid rice and a humbling reminder to all Asians of the suffering and starvation their ancestors endured. Maybe in the future there will be a meat preparation that resembles the flavor of rotting long pork as well. It would be served with red wine I would imagine.

For the record; it would not be cool to hunt down living humans for consumption though. Besides, it’s illegal in most states. Only road kill would be conscionably acceptable so don’t start eying your fat juicy neighbors as a possible entrée. If that were the case elitists would be on top of the menu since they don’t eat GMO chemically enriched foods like us bottom dwellers and would be labeled organic for the most part…my bad?

Bon Appétit

Your Devil’s Advocate


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